My Faith

 I have been struggling with my faith and beliefs for a long time now. It's been many years since I've really felt the Holy Spirit inside me or felt like I had a connection to God. I've gone to church and prayed or at least said the words to pray. I've been reading Christian books and devotions. But nothing...its like that part of me is just dead...or asleep? I used to be so deeply moved by the Spirit. I was so close to God. So I've been thinking I'm still like one of the baby Christians still needing milk, not yet able to eat meat. I've looked at others and thought I wish I could be like them. They are so strong and their belief and faith is so good. 

Recently, very very recently, I began to do my daily quiet time a bit differently. Instead of reading a Christian book or a daily devotion and trying to figure out how it concerned me, I thought maybe I should actually read the Bible. But when I open the Bible its like a foreign language. It's boring. I don't at all feel it speaking to me or meaning anything to me. So I thought OK so maybe I'm just missing something. Maybe I just don't understand? So I decided to pick one book, any book, and just go through verse by verse tiny piece by tiny piece, and really dissect and try to understand each little piece. And that is where I finally have found my meat again. I've been trying to desperately to get back to the Christian girl I used to be, the one before life experience and trauma broke and changed me, I didn't realize I'm no longer her. That girl is gone. I can't go back. I can't change my past or be who I was before. I've changed. And the new me needs different things than she did. 

I chose Jude. Maybe because it's the shortest book? I don't really know why. But I picked a random book and that's where I started. I am only 10 verses in but I already feel I have learned so much more than I ever did just reading daily devotions. I'm not going to lie there is something interesting cool stuff in this book that a girl who is curious about the supernatural and heaven and hell and angels and demons and all such things is really into. It talks about Michael the archangel. It talks about the fallen angels from the beginning of time. And the book of Enoch. I know I am probably only really getting the tip of the iceburg of what he is writing about but even that is a lot more than before for me. When it says even Michael didn't think he had the right to rebuke or condemn the devil but left that up to God, if even the highest angel won't do it to the most evil being what right do we as humans have to condemn other humans? Where do we get off thinking its OK to say someone else is bad or evil or wrong? I absolutely believe there are rotten souls in this world and there is evil in some people but I do not believe we have the right to decide that. God knows who they are. We don't. As Christians it is our job as much as possible to not cause arguments and to honor and respect authority not be rebellious and cause fighting, which it seems like is happening more and more recently with Christians and non Christians alike. 

There are so many out there today who laugh at and make fun of Christians, calling us crazy and looney. I hesitate to share my faith with others for such fear of offending someone or making someone angry or even just being made fun of for it. But many of these people live in the baser animal side of their nature. They do not know the love and wholeness of Christ. They live to fulfill their animal passions - eating, drinking and fucking as much as they want. And I also have that animal side of me. I struggle with not sinking down into it. When I do, and it happens often, I also sink down into depression as well. And maybe it's because I know better? Maybe not knowing makes it easier? Makes it seem better somehow? Maybe it's like what I feel it might be like to die and experience heaven and then be sent back again to your mortal body in this mortal fallen world. It would be hell to have to live here when you know something so much better...just as it must have been hell for Jesus to be here as well. 

Anyways this is just a small bit of some of the things I've learned recently in my studies. I have felt a pull inside to start writing again but I have no idea what to write and I do not have the self confidence yet to think I'm any good at all at it anymore. But something told me to just start. Just write. If its trash then its trash but it will get better. So here I go again!