The Gift of Unhappiness

People who do what is right may have many problems, but the Lord will solve them all. - Psalm 34:19

I struggle with depression and it's chemical meaning its not caused by anything around me or outside of myself. However, when I have a bad episode the thoughts that take over boil down to me feeling I'm not enough, I'm a failure. I long to be more...and maybe that's because God has so much more planned for me? 

All of the pain and hurt and loneliness in this world. The wars. Deaths. All of it...it's not all there is. There is so much more beyond this! We long for that beyond. Whether we know it or not our hearts long for it. Money will never be enough. We can never get enough love from others. Nothing here on this earth in this human physical body of ours will ever truly satiate that longing inside. For we were meant for so much more than this. I don't belong here. I feel off and awkward and unreal because I AM! I am a stranger here...This is not my home and I will never be able to relax fully here. I will never stop feeling like its not enough. I don't want to...why would I want to call this place of so much pain and violence and anger and hatred my home? Why would I ever feel like it's good enough? Who cares if I have a big beautiful house? There is a place an existence beyond what we know, what we can see, and that is the place we are destined for. And I believe it's so much better than this one. I believe it's full of love, so much love that for once when we reach it, we will finally be completely happy and at rest. Until that day all I can do is keep fighting. Don't give up. On myself. Or on others around me. 

I know this is going to sound blasphemous, but it helps me understand a bit...sometimes the way Jesus feels about me I feel is similar to the way my husband feels. I often have a hard time opening up and telling Preston when I'm struggling or having a bad day or bad week. He knows so I don't know why I try to hide it but I don't want to burden him with it. I love him. But what I don't think about is he also loves me. And only if I open up and share with him can he wrap his arms around me and comfort me. Only then can I let some of my sadness and burden out so he can carry that for me. He wants to because he loves me. I don't want him to because I love him. But Jesus feels the same. He wants us to share that with Him so he can comfort me and love on me and carry that burden for me. 



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