How I'm Learning to Parent my "Spirited" RAD Child

 

How I’m Learning to Parent my “Spirited” RAD Child

            As a baby and toddler my son threw intense tantrums that would last hours. This was my first child and I had zero experience with children before he was born. I knew babies cried and toddlers throw tantrums and even though it all seemed extreme to me I thought well maybe it’s normal and he will outgrow it. So I did what all the books said to do. I didn’t give in to what he wanted when he threw them. I ignored him and went about my business. Eventually he would scream himself to sleep.

            However, as he got older, the tantrums didn’t stop. Instead they turned into full blown angry rages. He was just so so angry at the world it seemed. It was like he thought if he screamed and hollered and hit and kicked and bit and scratched he could push me and the world away from him and be alone.

            I felt like I must be worried for no reason. I started him in therapy at the age of 3 and the counselor, doctors, teachers, everyone would always just tell me he is a typical little boy. He’s just “spirited.” He’s normal. I’m overreacting. It made me feel as though I must be crazy. I must be one of those parents who is going to freak out over a single sneeze. I finally learned, in time, in order to get other adults in his life to believe and understand I had to video tape him doing these things. With other adults he would be sweet and charming. He would behave politely. He would smile. He would give them hugs and climb on their laps.

            His dad left us when he was 3, leaving me for a while to care for this child alone along with a broken heart and spirit and a newborn baby after a C-Section. But, despite all these things, my God is still so good and so amazing. During this time of hurt I had amazing girl friends who were there for me the whole time. One sent her children after school to help me take care of the house and or the baby so I could nap or just have cuddle time with my newborn. The other was always there to talk and let me vent. She even came all the way from Idaho Falls one time to take Justace when he was an infant and wouldn’t stop screaming. She came, took the baby, sent me to bed and I slept for the first straight 4 hours since he had been born! God does send us angels still.

            Best of all was yet to come in the form of a wonderful man who had been around on the sidelines of my story since before Justace was even born but who I had never paid any attention to. My ex husband’s best friend’s older brother began coming over sometimes to help me with things around the house. Soon we found we had much more in common than we would have thought. We began talking all night long and spending nights watching Supernatural together while neither of us could sleep. Eventually I fell in love with this man. Well…to be honest…it was pretty quick. Through the pain and brokenness I felt a fire growing in me toward him. This man is now my husband. He chose to love a broken mess of a family and a child so difficult most would have tried to give him up. I remember one time Justace throwing a tantrum and then he stopped. I walked in to the kitchen to see why he stopped. My now husband was on the floor with my son just holding and rocking him and he calmed in his arms. Many times since when I’ve had to walk away in frustration I’ve heard my son quiet and walked in to my husband lying next to him rubbing his back and calming him. I can’t even express the amount of love I have for this man, this angel God sent us in our darkest time.

            My son has been in therapy for years. He is on so many medications to help him get control of his huge emotions. He has an amazing worker who I thank God for every day and has had others before this one who were so much more than just “workers.” They are family and there is no way our family could survive without the help they give us. He is getting better but it is very very slow. He will never be “OK” or “normal.” He will always struggle. But there is hope. He can learn how to manage. I have high hopes that one day he will be or do something out of this world…with prayer and belief in himself and the right tools to help him. I know so many who will judge me for medicating a 9 year old but they do not understand that while many children are unnecessarily medicated there are some who really can’t function without it. Without his medications my son is not my son. He is not OK. He is in a world of wild chaos that he can’t escape from.

            After being hospitalized myself due to severe depression and suicidal ideation not long ago I learned that instead of solely focusing all my energy on my son and helping him I HAVE to focus on myself. I know it seems selfish but I can not function as a mom or anything at all without help. I am in therapy and my youngest son is also in therapy. We all need all the help and support and love we can get to make sure we stay OK through the storms that rage through our home so many times.