God's Provision

 

Other Christians can give us good advice, but only God can help us.

My parents raised me to be an independent strong American woman. Crying was not allowed. I was expected and taught to help myself and not accept help from others. You fall. You get back up no matter how hurt you might be from the fall. You work hard to get where you are. And yet...life hasn't taught me those same things. Life has taught me you work hard and sometimes it doesn't matter at all. You still end up jobless or barely able to pay bills. You try to stay strong and be tough and eventually it all overpowers your will and you fall apart more than you ever though possible. You try to do good and the right thing and it ends with someone getting hurt somehow. 

The Bible promises the Holy Spirit. But where is He? I used to feel the Spirit inside me. I used to know. Now its few and far between that I feel anything anymore. Most of the time I still feel like I'm just surviving another day. 

I finally fell apart so hard I had to learn to accept two things. 1. I have depression. It's not something I can help. It's not my fault. I will struggle with it my entire life. Sometimes it will hide away and sleep. Sometimes it will awaken roaring and angry. I can't pretend I'm ok all the time when I'm not. 2. I have to ask for help. I cannot do this on my own. I have fallen apart so hard I ended up in a mental health hospital. I have leaned on my husband so hard I'm afraid I'll break him too. But have I cried out to God? I have. But maybe not as much as I should have? It feels as though when I cry out He doesn't answer. I don't feel any better or different. Like He's just watching me from above instead of living in my heart. 

Whether I can feel Him inside me or not I do know one thing for sure. I belong to Him. He bought and paid for me with his blood and death. I am His. I have given myself to Him to be used by Him. Maybe prayer is the answer. It's always been kind of a second thing to do after some action when times are hard but maybe it needs to be the first thing I do before the action?

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